In an exclusive, very much legitimate interview, TeeHunter sits down to talk about the issues with potential leader of the free world, Donald Trump. If that last sentence comes as a shock to you, we as Americans sincerely apologize. We don’t understand how it happened any more than you do. Nevertheless, the Trump-Train is rocking right along, and he’s here now to hopefully shed some light on his rise to power, his stance on the issues, and how he plans to rule as the president he is completely convinced he will one day be.
TeeHunter: Welcome Mr. Trump, and thank you for agreeing to this interview. Let’s just dive right into the question on everyone’s mind. How did this happen? Can you tell us a little more about just what transpired to make you the frontrunner of the GOP?
Donald Trump: To be honest, I don’t know. This entire campaign started as a publicity stunt. The plan was to get a few hours in the spotlight, scream as loud as I could at the other politicians running, and hopefully sell a few more Trump steaks in the process. It never really crossed my mind that the American people would actually vote for me. In fact, I’m really not sure what to do now that they are. I keep trying as hard as I can to change their minds, but nothing seems to be working.
TeeHunter: How do you keep trying to change the voters’ minds?
Donald Trump: Oh, lots of different things really. I felt like retweeting the KKK really had a shot to upset the apple cart, but even that didn’t work. I’m afraid I’m just going to have to chalk this whole thing up as a publicity stunt gone wrong and come to grips with the idea of being President.
TeeHunter: It’s an idea we’ll all have to come to grips with, Mr. Trump. I want to move now into one of the concerns that has been raised against you. Many people have compared your behavior and ideologies to those of Adolf Hitler. What do you think of this comparison?
Donald Trump: I think it’s a completely unfair comparison, and I’ll tell you why. Hitler lost. I don’t lose…at anything. I guarantee you that if I’d been in charge of the Nazi party, the outcome would have been different.
TeeHunter: …Okay. Well that’s definitely a concerning answer. Let’s talk about another concern the American people, and really the people of the world, have with a Trump presidency. Many are nervous about you being given the launch codes to the United States’ nuclear arsenal. What are your thoughts on this concern?
Donald Trump: Well listen, I don’t think we should be firing off nukes all willy nilly or anything, but I do think that building a button that no one’s allowed to push is pretty ridiculous. I like pushing buttons. I like explosions too. But no, I don’t think the American people have anything to worry about. It’s not like I’m going to nuke anybody important. With that being said, I think it’d be a huge idea to celebrate my first Independence Day in office by nuking a few third world countries. We could broadcast the entire thing. People would love it.
TeeHunter: Let’s just move on again. You say you plan to build a wall across the US and Mexican border. Can you tell us a little bit more about what that wall would be like?
Donald Trump: Absolutely. At first what I had in mind was pretty low-key. Just a fifty foot or so tall wall of reinforced concrete and razorwire with solid gold letters spelling out “TRUMP” every mile down the line. But then I started realizing how crafty illegal immigrants really are. So I’ve been thinking of a few upgrades to make sure they don’t cross over.
TeeHunter: What kind of upgrades?
Donald Trump: They’re brilliant, I promise. First, I plan to fill the Rio Grande with great white sharks. We may or may not put lasers on their heads. That one’s still up in the air. Next, I’m thinking of lining the wall with sentry guns that are able to detect whether the person trying to come across is Mexican or not. I mean, I’m fine with US citizens coming and going as they please. I enjoy vacationing in Mexico from time to time myself. But if the gun detects you’re not American, you’re toast. Of course the simple things like electrifying the wall and putting out landmines are just no-brainers.
TeeHunter: Well, Mr. Trump, we at TeeHunter want to thank you for your time and wish you the best of luck in your efforts to derail your campaign. We’re all pulling for you.
Donald Trump: Thanks, but I’m afraid that when Hilary Clinton is inevitably arrested I’ll be the only choice America has left.
Good god, how did it ever come to this…
If you enjoyed our most certainly real interview with future President Trump, be sure to check out our collection of Trump t-shirts below. No matter which side of the political spectrum you fall on we’re sure you’ll find something that’ll make you chuckle. For those hard-core fans, this post is a pamphlet.