The day of the big showdown is finally here. This is where feeble boys and girls turn to strong men and women, weak saplings to mighty oaks, and soft cotton to even softer t-shirts. The Tee Bowl is finally upon us, the ultimate reckoning where we review the torso-based clothing opportunities from each team in the Super Bowl (you may not have heard of it, has to do with football or something?) and determine which side really has their puns prepared and their tags tucked. It’s a competition of will, spirit, and craftsmanship to take home the win. Let the games begin.
And we’re off! Quick to make a move, Manning and the Broncos start out strong right from the kickoff with some powerful flyover state support.
The Panthers stagger after the elegant NM-NE drive, but they manage to hold their own, pulling out some classic logo tees in return. It’s the oldest trick in the book but never seems to fail, at least when executed correctly.
Our playing field truly is level. The opponents go hoof-and-paw, trying anything and everything to even glimpse the sweet sight of victory.
Manning and company remains ahead, but the Panthers are giving them a run for their money. Even though they try a few more moves to sneak into the lead, like the Super Cam bait-and-switch,
the Broncos manage to keep their distance with some Peyton love.
And finally, things turn into a Tee Bowl to remember. Just as you think the game is over and the Panthers’ crusade has been defeated, there’s breaking news about the Broncos. A scandal has been uncovered!
Talk of substance abuse and suggestions of an affair is a hard blow to both their reputation and their performance with the Broncos quickly falling into a nosedive. Incompletions. Sacks. A fumble! Out of the Broncos’ wreckage claws the rejuvenated Panthers.
Now the race has finally come down to a neck and neck mad dash to the finish. Drive after drive, play after play, field goals are made and touchdowns are scored. The crowd watches breathless as the two make it the most memorable Tee Bowl in history. Beaten and broken, the Broncos are in the lead by the skin of their teeth and barely alive at all.
They think they might be able to hold them off as the final two-minute warning of the season approaches. The seconds wind down, and the Panthers have time for one last move: the dab.
“No! The dab could never defeat us!” exclaim the Broncos. And against any other opponent, they would be right. For most, the dab is an amateur call, like bringing a spoon to a gunfight. But this is no ordinary opponent. Because in the hands (and elbows) of Cam Newton, it is transformed to a lethal weapon, and instead of a spoon, it is a drone, deadly, unstoppable, and a little excessive at times.
Now the dust has cleared, and a victor has emerged. The Panthers have officially won Tee Bowl 50, the dab barely pulling them ahead in the last few seconds. But all the same, the Broncos put up a good fight, and they all shake hands. The parties are thrown and the money stashed away before your friend who betted for the Panthers comes looking for his winnings. And now begins the wait for next season. But this one was definitely one for the history books with excitement, scandal, and a comeback victory; what more could you want from a Tee Bowl?!