Valentine’s Day is a wondrous holiday for couples, lovers, and nerds everywhere… And it sucks for the rest of us. For all of us single riders, the day is just another reminder of our pitiful and soul-crushing solitude. Couples always get flowers and chocolates and a reason to get up in the morning, but what do singles really get in the world? Cats? Netflix? Even better, it turns out singles get the best t-shirts!
Honestly, it is not easy being single. Any of us can admit that. But we do have some advantages over our more romantic peers. According to really smart people, the number of singles is higher than its ever been before, and it is still on the rise. We have strength in numbers, no one can stop us now. The revolution has begun.
There are plenty of pros to being single! None of us are tied down to a boring relationship with all those annoying anniversaries, gross PDA, and tedious sex. Instead, we have sharks!
Even more dangerous and intimidating than sharks, we have cats. If doves represent love and couples, then cats are the epitome of independence and singles. They are exactly like us: We do whatever we want whenever we want. Plus, have you ever seen one of them claw through a couple before? It is truly majestic.
Disregarding the major obesity epidemic, we don’t have to watch our weights in order to impress anyone. What is on the menu for Singles Awareness Day? Food, food, tears, and more food! A chocolate pizza with Nutella spread is the perfect way to eat away your sorrows.
Speaking of sweets, we have all tried that Valentine’s Day heart candy, right? Some people think it tastes like disgusting cough medicine and others think it tastes like delicious cough medicine. Either way, to replace their desperate attempts at romance, we present singles candy!
What about something more substantial than those sugary treats? Singles have those too! You name it and we have got it. We boast fruits, vegetables, grains, and nuts – anything and everything you could want for a doomsday bunker. Plus, let’s just say we protect ours much better than any couple.
But that is not all – not by a long shot. What is the mother of all meats? It’s sizzling and crisp and delicious… bacon! Bacon triumphs all love, no exceptions. You can find bacon wrapped around bacon in bacon sauce and sprinkled with bacon bits on every other street corner. And that is just the vegetarian side of town. Bacon is basically the unofficial food of singles everywhere.
Unfortunately, all those nuts and all that meat can make you thirsty. Good thing we have healthy drinks to stay hydrated. Vodka is considered healthy, right? I am in no way condoning drunken behavior on Singles Awareness Day, but let’s just say we all know how to have a good time.
Anything couples do, we can do better. For example, maybe you know a couple that says they are 100% in love. First of all, ew. And to show them up, tell them you are 200% single.
No matter where you are, you can make Singles Awareness Day a day of celebration! Eat, drink, and party to your independence all night long. Besides none of us need Cupid anyway, so I wish you a very happy S.A.D.!